discovery of my truth, an inquiry

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Discovery of my Truth
An Inquiry
Dec 17, 2009

I have been behest with these problems and questions: happiness where is it, why me this way, how come many seem to be happy but not me, what is realization? ;am still not cognizant of the truth. No satisfaction. Unhappy feelings. All the past happy and good experiences not repeating. Where is me, the happy me, I know it exists, where can I find it?

Inquiry? May be? I should go deeper. Starting now:

This thought is observed, now by me. Like every time any thought I have observed before, since my birth. Observed by me, by what I can term it as something I can't clearly define. May be me, the feeling I have of me? The guy who drives the car, goes to work, meets all challenges etc. Who else it could be? I remember I had spiritual experiences, ecstasy and all of that when this me had vanished, no trace. Therefore I am not sure who is observing now. Forgetting my past experiences, let me look at this me again with a clear mind.

If I investigate the thought process and the answer is found as this me , with ears nose, mouth, this body and mind who is behind all thoughts as the observer, behind all my experiences good or bad, all feelings, then this answer always has ended in failure. This has never worked. This me as I know, can't be observing and owning bad thoughts, because they can't be me. I am a good man! So thoughts are and must be separate from me, bad thoughts , good thoughts, not me.

Not me? Then who? I want to be free, I want all the right answers. Who is behind all of this?

Now let me inquire about me, the every day me more. I have accepted this me as secure and true, but this me has been unsuccessful to be happy all the time being dependent on so many things events and experiences. OK then what ? Yes I know the question remains. ...Think, think,...thoughts, thoughts, what a mess, no doors, no escape!!

Let me look at it again, in detail more closely than ever before, let me examine a thought and its work more intimately. I have a thought and it is observed and I can regurgitate it because of memory storage of past thoughts any time. Let me be certain, so thoughts happen everyday all the time, me is cognizant, they are stored somewhere in me and pulled out by me as and when required. Right? That is my life so far. All memories. Stack of memories, my life that makes me. The every day thoughts like the one I have now are stored as memory that is me.

Therefore I can deduce that the memory or the mind is zero without thoughts. The me, that I think is behind all this, depend on this memory dearly, they give me cozy feeling, make laugh, cry, smile,achieve etc then may not exist.

Let me be more prosaic. Let me study where body comes into the picture. Let me exclude this me for the time being and continue. Life's happening are reported by the five sensory fields as thoughts to the body through the memory. Since this occurrence, all thought activities report to and belong to my body and originates from the body. An observation can be made now that these events are real . My body, the reporting of the sensory feelings , and memory must be all related to each other and real? They are all in the same field. They are real now and dependent on each other as such.

Now the me comes in. The process discussed above the thoughts, memory and the body, the whole story is always observed. This is how the operation is and was reported to me the observer- The me. Me is the observer. So I am tied to in all of these. The happiness, sadness, good feelings, bad feelings and all of that, called my life, the memory, the body and the whole works, tied together. It is a relationship. This must be true. All observed by me and reporting to me and affecting me and my story of happiness and sorrow.

Let me investigate further, take a closer look, at a single thought and its activity as a typical one of all occurrences, thousands of thoughts, happy thoughts or otherwise.
Now examine a case of a thought not occurring, or even better let us look at a remote possibility when there are, or were ever, no thoughts that occurred , not even once. Then this special case of no-thought ever event contributed obviously to a no-memory or zero-memory state that can report to the body and the mind. If this state, if it ever occurred, must be all observed by me then, even in that state, I am still there. What will happen to me then in that case? What condition is me in? No memories!! No thoughts!! In this extreme, but a possible case, considered scientifically , may happen at least once, we can conclude that there is nothing left except me. All the time, before, habitually I was observant of all the thoughts that occurred, strangely now, suddenly I am in this new situation, no observation can be or to be made, do nothing whatever. I am not cognizant of any thing because there are no thoughts, no memory, but only me!

Till now, I thought myself to be a sum total of all of my memories, all the experiences , since my childhood etc, all contributing this every day operating me. Now I find this me is not reliable but just a dream just thoughts!

But then I am still here, the consciousness, even if the ordinary me is totally absent, Only consciousness existing. The one Reality. So what happened to the happiness and my sorrow? All unreal! Only I is left. Only plain simple nothing but ultimate freedom. Thus the unconditioned I exists as real. In this absolute blankness, nothingness, no events are happening, no movement, no time, and is therefore I is eternal. Never born, never to die. I was that, always that, Tat Tvam Asi.

What a discovery!

Post script:
The body, mind, thoughts memory is all waste, never existed, untrue, and was never required for I's existence. The reality of oneness, the aloneness of the truth the real I.

This I must be the originator of all of the little me and my body and the whole story and drama. This me and its family protest vehemently, upon this recognition, I am that. They want to exist as real. Just another story.

This I recognition is freedom, happiness, cannot be described, being outside the realm of thoughts.

I Am That.